Ah, sweet Schadenfreude. Almost.

Damn it, damn it, damn it.

I WAS SO. CLOSE.

Here’s the thing. This is going to sound broken-record-y, but I swear to God, I do not go into every India series hoping for my national side to lose. That said, I was kind of ecstatic when Hashim Amla and Jacques Kallis ran riot over days 1 and 2 of the first test – not, I should emphatically state here and now, because I have any particular love for either of them (Amla’s fine, not a Kallis fan per se) or the approach SA took towards the run-scoring and declaration (really, guys? 600 suddenly became too fatiguing a mountain for you to climb? Were you trying to get Hashim back for shedding his beard hair all over the place by calling him off 24 short of the highest score ever by a South African? Verily, Graeme, you are a mystery wrapped in an enigma encased in a shell of WTF.)

No, the reason was this: I have been waiting (oh, how long have I been waiting) for Harbhajan Singh to fall flat on his face. He and his attitude are one of the main reasons I can’t fully throw my support behind India. He’s arrogant, obnoxious, and a diva, which is something that is only tolerable if you are someone like Aretha or Whitney, and Harbhajan is not fit to serve either of them peeled grapes let alone assume their sacred mantle of divahood. And, lo and behold, SA delivered. Ha-ha, Harbhajan! If Nelson Muntz were available for hire and not a fictional character I would pay vast sums of money for him to follow you around pointing and doing his Nelson Muntz laugh.  Ah, the satisfaction.

And then Dale freakin’ Steyn had to go and ruin it.

If I disassociate the bowling spell from the bowler responsible, I would be duly admiring. It was a hell of a performance. It would actually have enhanced my satisfaction at India being shown up for their bizarre selections and complacency. But this is Dale Steyn. He’s almost as bad as Harbhajan, for different reasons. For one thing, I can’t look at him without thinking, “‘Roid rage.” I cannot stand the angry, snarling, firebrand-who-shows-no-mercy routine that certain fast bowlers pull. STOP IT. You are not being impressive and fearsome, you are being ridiculous pricks who are, lest we forget, playing a freaking game. This is not the heat of battle, you are not King Leonidas, this is not bloody Sparta. Calm the fuck down and show some respect and restraint. I cannot appreciate your talent or your achievements because you are such a RAGING JERK who makes people assume you must have a teeny manhood because why the hell else would you be so damn angry all the time and so desperate to prove your ultimate supremacy to everyone?

And you went and ruined my schadenfreude moment, you bastard.