Ah, sweet Schadenfreude. Almost.

Damn it, damn it, damn it.

I WAS SO. CLOSE.

Here’s the thing. This is going to sound broken-record-y, but I swear to God, I do not go into every India series hoping for my national side to lose. That said, I was kind of ecstatic when Hashim Amla and Jacques Kallis ran riot over days 1 and 2 of the first test – not, I should emphatically state here and now, because I have any particular love for either of them (Amla’s fine, not a Kallis fan per se) or the approach SA took towards the run-scoring and declaration (really, guys? 600 suddenly became too fatiguing a mountain for you to climb? Were you trying to get Hashim back for shedding his beard hair all over the place by calling him off 24 short of the highest score ever by a South African? Verily, Graeme, you are a mystery wrapped in an enigma encased in a shell of WTF.)

No, the reason was this: I have been waiting (oh, how long have I been waiting) for Harbhajan Singh to fall flat on his face. He and his attitude are one of the main reasons I can’t fully throw my support behind India. He’s arrogant, obnoxious, and a diva, which is something that is only tolerable if you are someone like Aretha or Whitney, and Harbhajan is not fit to serve either of them peeled grapes let alone assume their sacred mantle of divahood. And, lo and behold, SA delivered. Ha-ha, Harbhajan! If Nelson Muntz were available for hire and not a fictional character I would pay vast sums of money for him to follow you around pointing and doing his Nelson Muntz laugh.  Ah, the satisfaction.

And then Dale freakin’ Steyn had to go and ruin it.

If I disassociate the bowling spell from the bowler responsible, I would be duly admiring. It was a hell of a performance. It would actually have enhanced my satisfaction at India being shown up for their bizarre selections and complacency. But this is Dale Steyn. He’s almost as bad as Harbhajan, for different reasons. For one thing, I can’t look at him without thinking, “‘Roid rage.” I cannot stand the angry, snarling, firebrand-who-shows-no-mercy routine that certain fast bowlers pull. STOP IT. You are not being impressive and fearsome, you are being ridiculous pricks who are, lest we forget, playing a freaking game. This is not the heat of battle, you are not King Leonidas, this is not bloody Sparta. Calm the fuck down and show some respect and restraint. I cannot appreciate your talent or your achievements because you are such a RAGING JERK who makes people assume you must have a teeny manhood because why the hell else would you be so damn angry all the time and so desperate to prove your ultimate supremacy to everyone?

And you went and ruined my schadenfreude moment, you bastard.

Advertisements

, ,

  1. #1 by reina on 09/02/2010 - 10:04 am

    I feel like I should post some kind of a disclaimer to this: I’m not saying that I want to see fast bowling neutered. Scream, roar, whoop, bowl with fire and pace and be damn pleased with yourself when it works, bellow your manliness to the skies, all that’s fine. I get as tingly as the next person when stumps are sent cartwheeling with that awesome rattle-thunk sound. I just hate the idiots who go over the top with it, as though it’s war and they are the Angry Warrior Men who must break all who oppose them. They need to just shut up and take their damn blood pressure pills.

  2. #2 by Zarathustra on 09/02/2010 - 12:22 pm

    That artificial “stop and stare at the batsman” is just stupid. You have to wonder what kind of mind hears some talking head say that works- or worse, just likes it- and decides THAT is going to be the cunning trick that takes wickets! If I were a selector that would be a major negative selection criterion.

    The jerk factor seems to be a burgeoning trend among fast bowlers. Pakistan- used to be such gentleman (cheats, but gentlemanly cheats)- and now you have Afridi and his bag of tricks. Harmison has decided that the world needs another 15 copies of his genes and that the ECB will write contracts based on net practice. And don’t get me started on Graham “look at football; all the professionals dive; let’s be more like ’em” Swann. Wrote the Minister for Sport about that young man. At least Andre Nel has dissociated the toxin into Gunther. Brett Lee, don’t let us down!

  3. #3 by Shalabh on 09/02/2010 - 12:32 pm

    I dont think Steyn looks all that deadly. He tries, all right, but I always see a fake-not-so-well-done aspect to his demeanour. It looks like a poor copy of the original, hard to hate, easy to feel sorry for.

  4. #4 by Alex Bennett on 09/02/2010 - 1:37 pm

    Nice write Reina. Shalabh you are right, Steyn aint convincing and well, thats why waht Reina says, is even more relevant.

  5. #5 by JayTee on 09/02/2010 - 2:18 pm

    It had to be said. Fast bowlers in their cups are fantastic to look at but the ‘ghetto stares’ are just pathetic. This is cricket. I know it can be a rough game but it’s not contact and everyone gets to take a breather after each ball. Acting like a Maori warrior after each ball is just annoying, not entertaining. Well, not to me at least.
    I felt a bit sorry for Bhaji after Monkeygate but since then I’ve realised what a prick he actually is. Seems I agree completely.

    • #6 by reina on 10/02/2010 - 12:12 am

      Everyone came off looking pretty awful after Monkeygate. There’s not a single aspect of that whole sorry affair that doesn’t make me cringe.

  6. #7 by alex on 09/02/2010 - 10:44 pm

    Steyn is my Man. He was God. Anyone disagree has the right to do but it is wrong. 🙂

    Sometimes you need to motivate yourself , everyone psych themself up in different ways. if every one can be cool customer like brett lee , world would be boring.

    For me as long as you produce goods , everything is fine.

    You are angry loud mouthed like nel or sreesanth and produce nothing then there is a problem.

    I appreciate quality and effort!. 🙂

    • #8 by Shalabh on 10/02/2010 - 8:26 am

      Oh no!!! Alex, not here as well please!!

  7. #9 by Procynic on 11/02/2010 - 4:24 am

    I am with you on the Harbhajan hate!
    What does a guy have to do gain the hatred of Indian fans?
    Maybe this IPL he will use the M-word on Kemar Roach, who in turn will decapitate the entire team with his bouncers. That should od it

  8. #10 by Jon on 13/02/2010 - 4:04 am

    ” you are a mystery wrapped in an enigma encased in a shell of WTF.”

    Is this original? If so, congratulations!

    • #11 by reina on 13/02/2010 - 11:20 am

      Kind of – it’s a take on a Churchill quote, to wit, “Russia is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma.” I know I’m definitely not the first to have used an altered version, but this particular one is original as far as I’m aware!

  9. #12 by Chinmay on 20/02/2010 - 2:38 pm

    Well, well,

    He got you didn’t he. Just when you think he will fall on his face, he comes back up. You cannot deny his passion though…

    -Chin

    • #13 by reina on 20/02/2010 - 3:35 pm

      Nope, not denying his passion, or his ability, at all. Just saying that he’s also a dick.

      • #14 by Chinmay on 20/02/2010 - 7:18 pm

        Give the guy a break. If everyone acts like sachin then what is the fun 🙂

        And dont take it personally, but if a cricket blog can contain “strong language” then a cricket can be “strong” too.

        Not that I like him a lot or expect you to like him but there is nothing to hate him. Just making a point.

        Btw I like your blog.

        -Chin

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: