…I have no words.

Ok, maybe I can muster up a few.

I have questions. Many, many questions.

Who BITES a cricket ball?? Is that even a thing? Nails on the seam, I’ve heard of. Using boot spikes and zippers on the ball, I’ve heard of. Face cream, spit, zinc ointment, all applications as old as the noble game itself. I had thought we’d reached the pinnacle in completely ridiculous methods of ball-tampering with that whole lozenge thing from a couple of years ago, but evidently that was before Shahid Afridi decided to bring his own particular brand of rock-fuck insanity to the party.

Did you think that no-one would see you, Shahid-bhai? Because, and I hate to be the one to break it to you, but turning your back on one camera does not automatically cause a cloak of invisibility to descend from the skies that shields you from all the other cameras that are also there watching your every move. Or did the voices in your head (of which I imagine there are many, some possibly of varying nationalities and speaking in tongues) tell you to do it, the way they tell you which innings to bat like a rabid maniac in? Was it an in-the-moment thing, like the way narcolepsy works? Was it one of those sharp violent surges of crazy – the kind that make you play suicidal shots to good balls – that flared up out of nowhere and made you hallucinate an actual literal cherry in your hand in place of the cricket ball? Did you think that if you did something that was just the right combination of totally insane and completely illegal, you could somehow confuse Australia into losing? Or distract the world from a 5-0 series defeat? Did you, in that echoey vortex of ego and lunacy that lies under your impossibly-shiny hair, think that this would make Pakistan look better, and not completely, immeasurably worse?  HELP ME TO UNDERSTAND YOU, SHAHID. I CANNOT DO THIS ALONE.

Oh, and to the guy who thought it would be a good idea to rugby-tackle Khalid Latif? Smooth move, asshole. Now the rest of the world will see for certain that it’s not just young Indian males the Australian populace seems bent on assaulting, it’s Pakistanis too! Inclusiveness FTW!

Thank you, Clint McKay, for condemning that incident right away. You are the only man mentioned in this blog post that I don’t want to smack upside the head with a boat oar.

Idiots.

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  1. #1 by Ashish Gupta on 31/01/2010 - 8:47 pm

    Well written. Its just a shame becuase Shahid would have been the first choice for the skipper post.

    Before I say anything else, I must be aplologetic for any offence you might take for If I say this is the first flared cricket blog post I have ever seen from a women. So, congratulations and keep writing. Me myself is just learning to write what I learn. :-). I am checking the two checkboxes below the textbox I am writing into now. Will visit this blog for my pleasure reading.
    Take care..:-)

  2. #2 by Rathesh on 31/01/2010 - 9:57 pm

    But due to all these extracurricular activities the match became more interesting than rest of the four put together.
    Nice blog, also spot on regarding majority of our netizens being unnecessarily rude, jingoistic and needlessly aggressive.

  3. #3 by alex on 01/02/2010 - 2:24 am

    i see opinion as opinion , i do not look at opinion from who says it. That way we can comment on opinion ( without context of the source) not comment on the people who wrote them. it is easier that way.

    Shahid afridi is crazy lunatic. There is really nothing much to write about unless you see afridi first time. He is always the trouble maker , he even digged the pitch with his boots before. He is always on the edge.

  4. #4 by reina on 01/02/2010 - 2:48 am

    Thanks, I’m glad you guys like the blog.

    I have to say, I usually find Afridi endlessly entertaining, but given Pakistan’s dire current all-round situation and the fact that he was freaking captaining today, that stupid little stunt just makes me really angry.

  5. #5 by Anand on 01/02/2010 - 8:37 am

    It beggars belief that he did it TWICE, and not just once. Personally, that very fact (and the visual of the act itself) has left me laughing incessantly instead of condemning it. What’s even funnier is listening to him explain to an ABC journalist how his teeth (and apparently, ours too) are so unique that they can function as olfactory sensors “sometimes,” besides their mundane use for chewing food and enhancing smiles. Apparently, this poster-boy for rank stupidity is quite a genius.

    • #6 by reina on 02/02/2010 - 2:21 am

      Dude, you don’t know what’s real and what’s not in Afridi-land. Night could be day! Up could be down! Lions could be lying down with lambs all over the damn place! At this point when he says something like, ‘I can smell with my teeth!’ I just want to say, ‘That’s nice, dear, now take your pills or the nice men in the white coats will be by again to make you wear the huggy jacket.’

  6. #7 by MJ on 01/02/2010 - 3:42 pm

    A lovely piece of writing, and very funny. Keep it up.

  7. #8 by Sarahlauren on 02/02/2010 - 1:54 am

    Darling, as you are one of my dearest friends, I think you can forgive that while this is off topic, you understand just how irresistible my drive is when I say this: “rock-fuck insanity” is the new “that just happened.”

    • #9 by reina on 02/02/2010 - 2:13 am

      Ahahahaha…oh, SLT, this is why I love you.

      Incidentally, the guy I’m eviscerating in this little tirade is the one you thought was hot! He’s the other bearded one…Google him and you’ll see!

  8. #10 by Goro on 02/02/2010 - 3:33 am

    I’m old enough to remember Wasim getting stoned on a beach while touring England, Inzi trying to brain someone with a bat for calling him a potato and Waqar shining the rough side of the ball on his back pocket’s zipper. Then there was Asif the pothead, genital warts and liposuction.

    I’m tempted to say I’ve seen everything now, but that would be dumb.

  9. #11 by Sam's Dad on 02/02/2010 - 3:38 am

    From the photo, he looks like he thought it was an apple. Easily explained. It didn’t get any better with the second bite though.

  10. #12 by Rishabh on 02/02/2010 - 5:16 am

    He sounded like a nervous teen in the interview… I don’t think he realised he gave two bizzare, different explanations – ‘something was on the ball and I was removing it’ and ‘smelling’.

  11. #13 by Scott on 02/02/2010 - 6:24 am

    Very well written article Reina. I have enjoyed your writting ever since I seen your first piece on Iain’s blog.

    If it wasnt for him I wouldnt know this blog existed, now I do I will visit frequintly. (sorry I cant spell lmao)

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