Ok, maybe I can muster up a few.
I have questions. Many, many questions.
Who BITES a cricket ball?? Is that even a thing? Nails on the seam, I’ve heard of. Using boot spikes and zippers on the ball, I’ve heard of. Face cream, spit, zinc ointment, all applications as old as the noble game itself. I had thought we’d reached the pinnacle in completely ridiculous methods of ball-tampering with that whole lozenge thing from a couple of years ago, but evidently that was before Shahid Afridi decided to bring his own particular brand of rock-fuck insanity to the party.
Did you think that no-one would see you, Shahid-bhai? Because, and I hate to be the one to break it to you, but turning your back on one camera does not automatically cause a cloak of invisibility to descend from the skies that shields you from all the other cameras that are also there watching your every move. Or did the voices in your head (of which I imagine there are many, some possibly of varying nationalities and speaking in tongues) tell you to do it, the way they tell you which innings to bat like a rabid maniac in? Was it an in-the-moment thing, like the way narcolepsy works? Was it one of those sharp violent surges of crazy – the kind that make you play suicidal shots to good balls – that flared up out of nowhere and made you hallucinate an actual literal cherry in your hand in place of the cricket ball? Did you think that if you did something that was just the right combination of totally insane and completely illegal, you could somehow confuse Australia into losing? Or distract the world from a 5-0 series defeat? Did you, in that echoey vortex of ego and lunacy that lies under your impossibly-shiny hair, think that this would make Pakistan look better, and not completely, immeasurably worse? HELP ME TO UNDERSTAND YOU, SHAHID. I CANNOT DO THIS ALONE.
Oh, and to the guy who thought it would be a good idea to rugby-tackle Khalid Latif? Smooth move, asshole. Now the rest of the world will see for certain that it’s not just young Indian males the Australian populace seems bent on assaulting, it’s Pakistanis too! Inclusiveness FTW!
Thank you, Clint McKay, for condemning that incident right away. You are the only man mentioned in this blog post that I don’t want to smack upside the head with a boat oar.